Chance > Change

Ever since Paul gave us the Christmas gift of the Wii Fitness Plus System, Peter and I have been down in our basement rec room exercising and working out, and really enjoying ourselves in the process. FOr his birthday , I gave Peter a few more Wii fitness games, and we've been playing those as well, so the variety has been keeping us extremely interested, therefore motivated to continue to work out our far-too-well-fed bodies, and it has actually been fun.

The sweating out of daily tensions has put me in a stronger place to take care of myself in other areas of my life as well. My mantra for this year is "Learn how to say "NO" so that I don't become overworked and exhausted, and therefore miserable." And because I have become more concerned with my health, safety and psyche, and because I see other things as more important than my work, i have an entirely different perspective on pretty much everything in my daily life: what seemed important no longer seems that way, and the words "no", or "I'm far too busy to do that" or "Y'know, my schedule simply is overbooked" come easier.

I am determined to stay balanced and healthy.

I am determined to enjoy my life, not fear it.

I am determined to take true care of my Self and myself.

I am determined to feel Happiness, not the painful anger of over-exhaustion.

I will stay on this far more pleasant road: I swear.

Paul is coming to visit again, while Stephen stays in Nashville to help his parents with their move. I am becoming spoiled with all this visiting from Paul, and I guess I'll simply have to find a way to keep him in our life more! He arrives back here tonight. This makes me very very happy.

No new snowfall here for two days! ANd the sun seems disposed to shine again, which , in itself , is a blessing. May it continue, at least for a tolerable while.

Care for yourselves, people.

Last night , Peter and I went to Theatre Bristol to see their production of RENT: the first regional production of this show. I have been wanting to go to Theatre Bristol for a time for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is that as Director of Outreach, I want to ...well...reach out to more theaters in this area , in order to establish at least some working knowledge of what we all do to produce live theatre in this region.

Also, the wonderful David Alford - who has been establishing himself as a popular teacher and director in the area ever since his wife came to Johnston Memorial to establish her medical practice - David has been working with Theatre Bristol, and suddenly it occurred to me that rather than being rivals in the areas of education and workshopping, I should at least attempt to establish the sort of relationship with Theatre Bristol that would , or could benefit us both: a creative way for each of us to feed and nourish each other's growth, rather than compete for the same population....so , I thought, going to see a production there would at least be a start! And so, I booked seats to see RENT.

It got snowed out in December, when i was originally going to see it - but they called and very professionally re-scheduled the last several performances for this weekend (Jan.7-8-9-, 2010) and handled it very well, as far as transferring already-paid-for-tix to our new chosen dates.

Peter and i went over to Bristol early to have dinner at the little bistro called KP Duty - it was a nice meal , very tasty - and then we sloshed through the snow to get our seats early, as it was general admission seats. We were handled pretty efficiently in the long line waiting to get in, and before we knew it, we were snuggled into our seats, bundling up against the cold inside the theater, which somehow seemed appropriate for seeing RENT....we settled in for what we feared would be a tortuous evening.

Well, it wasn't all that tortuous, and, in fact, both Peter and I , despite our natural reservations and criticisms, actually found ourselves surprised by this production. And the thing i walked away with from it with is this: the love of performing onstage in live theatre productions, is alive and well in the this corner of SW VIrginia - and, as I have been learning from establishing classes here over the past several years , people who want to be in musical theatre WANT IT and WILL DO IT NO MATTER WHAT OBSTACLES may be in their way!!

It's everywhere, this love of performing in front of tribal fires...it is everywhere, this need to do so..to tell the stories...to sing the songs.....forget voice training, forget getting technique in place, forget the patient mining of ones gifts into the most effective mechanisms of expression: LET's JUST GET UP AND DO THIS! And in that doing, there is passion, excitement, and true story-telling, because the main desire is to TELL THE STORY!! Get up , the need to get up, and TELL IT! BRING IT!

Well, this makes up for a lot more than you'd think...no one is more surprised than I am to discover that fact: the need to do it, the passion to tell it, supported by even a shadow of the abilities to truly do so in the most powerful way possible, is what gets the job done - and the average audience member - does not care if the voice does not quite hit the note , or if the acting is less than true, in the deepest sense - all the audience cares for is that they are getting the story delivered to them...AND LAST NIGHT's PERFORMANCE OF RENT? It delivered that story. They delivered it with joy and caring.

With all due respect to the performers in last night's show - because I do admire and respect all they did to get this difficult show across, especially musically and dramatically - i did miss the Broadway voices. There is no substitute for the pained soul in Adam Pascal's vocal sound, and the energy of Jesse Green's sweet baritone, informed by who he is, as well as Taye Diggs' great style....well, that's not something that comes along every day to every community. However that being said, the actor who played Angel really pulled it off, and the young woman paying Mimi had both Peter and I on the edges of our seats as she did The Cow Jumped Over the Moon ...she had us laughing and genuinely engaged...we enjoyed ourselves!!! That plus the ensemble sound on those great songs really worked well, and a lot can be said to compliment the Musical Director for the work he got accomplished with the amateur cast...it sounded good! And from all I could observe: all un-mic-ed! I saw no amplification anywhere...so, given that, it was even more impressive!

So - the need to perform in front of the community is strong, and it seems to reside in us all, in some form or another, no matter where we are, how we are schooled, what our earn-a-living professions are: if we need to do it, we will find a way to do so.
And for that - humbly - I find my self incredibly grateful...and I wonder: maybe that is where my actual need to be part of theatre actually resides: in this need for community story sharing , not in the personal hunger i used to think I felt, to "star" in the telling...maybe I am an "amateur" in the true sense ( as the Theatre Bristol Executive Director said her curtain speech last night): I have a passion for it, .....and the word "amateur", with its roots somewhere in same place as the words "amour", "amatory", "amorous"etc....says something about the love I actually do feel for it....not the need to do it, but the desire to.

Thank you, Theatre Bristol, for helping me remember that....thank you.

I needed to write....i felt compelled to write...and my meditations and musings had led me how Time is simply a matter of our own construction ...the techniques we each use to create the drama of our individual lives...Time is one experience to one person and quite another experience to another person...it's all truly relative (as dusty old Einstein of course realized for the good of all...the result: the atomic bomb and don't ask me how that works...how that all fits together, but somehow it does...ANYWAY: so there I was with time on my hands, an urge to write in my heart...and absolutely no inspiration...so there you have dull and silly poem in the last blog entry....shall i delete it? Heck no! It's where I absolutely was at the moment...so why not share that dull pain? And i do mean dull...

ANYWAY: here we are, snow thick upon the ground and no end in sight...one of those cottony cold days, smothered in dry chill, with Peter and I having just celebrated our 6th year of being married to each other!!!! Yesterday, 6 years ago, our party of 20 friends and relatives gathered with us in Orlando ,Florida, at the Polynesian Resort, and a wedding occurred.....we feasted at the Luau and Show afterward...and it was fine! Everyone had fun...after all we were at Disney World...and we were surrounded by our best spirits, PLUS we had each other - Peter and I - to have and to hold....and I must say, six years later, I am astonished at my good fortune.

Peter Yonka is a fair-minded, caring, sexy, funny, loyal, creative, gifted and deeply loving man. And his considerable loving energies are devoted to me, as miraculous as that may seem to me...he is in this for the long haul, and means it when he says he loves me.....why does this amaze me so?

Snowfall blankets it all, once more,
So the past two days - that once open door
Into a New Year has been hidden quite
Beneath a heavy icing of white.
Two thousand ten looks like two thousand nine,
And I , for one, cannot draw the line
Between yesterday and this new time
All of it seems one, all of it sublime,
Because by its very nature it's magic,
And to view its passing is hardly tragic.
We live together in measures taking
Its pulse in constructs of our own making,
So raise your glass and drink your fill,
Gulping from Life , quaffing until
You know your appetite's been well sated,
And a full, quenched Life you have created!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well.a violent wind storm blew down 30 foot lines in our back garden last Wednesday, taking all power lines with them, so for 3 extremely cold days, we had no lights, no heat, no phones, no computers, and it got to be pretty annoying, but then, Friday night late, (I swear after my 25th phone call to Appalachian Electric Power Company, we happened to see three huge yellow tree crew trucks and electrics guys working on our lace, and- bang! In the wink of one wire connection, our house was lighted up like nothing had ever happened! What a relief, as we were just about to move into the Barter Inn for a night of warmth and hot water and restful sleep!

During that 3-day period - when anything resembling a normal day-to-day life was beyond my control, my equanimity held strong for pretty much all of it, and with every phone call I made to inquire about the crews' progress toward (okay, I'll go there) enlightenment, i was cordial, not ever mean or nasty to anyone, understanding of their dilemma, and really pretty reasonable, even though my equanimity did begin to get a little threadbare toward the late afternoon on Friday....but being relatively calm like that through out this ordeal (keeping in mind that hundreds and hundreds of other people had it far worse than we did and they have it far worse every day of their lives, not just when power lines go donw)...keeping all that in mind and staying calm, I was able to isolate and observe yet again the same feelings of powerlessness ( no pun intended here) that I feel when I am on an airplane: another situation in which I could do nothing but cry and moan and complain, getting comfort from others, but having no genuine power with which to affect any real change.....and i realized again how uncomfortable and angry, and sad i get when I realize that we are all really -finally - powerless in the face of Fate, and other forces far larger than we are. This is the first basic tenet of Buddhism: we all die....we all suffer...and that...well...that is THAT!

So, keeping that in mind, my few days since electric power was magically restored to us have been warm and fun ones but they are also filled with thought and contemplation on my new insight: I am powerless, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it....small moments of meditation and thinking about this have provided a backdrop against which to more deeply appreciate the good things in my life, like the fine husband I have, the kind and generous friends we have here in Abingdon, the warmth of a good house, and bounty of so much we possess and can do with our lives.

Yes, it does deepen my appreciation, but it is not the panacea for the despair that comes right along with everything in every moment as well. I am experiencing a happy sadness, or , if you will, a sad happiness, at realizing how dim the future shines....how we must generate our own light, or there will be none....how we must take charge and illuminate existence, or we will dwell in the dark forest forever and ever.

So, our 2nd attempt at a Jewel Tree of Tibet , at this Christmas time of 2009: we worked on it yesterday (after an abortive attempt last weekend...we had not yet been through the rigorous and cold blackout days...somehow I think that prepared us to build the Jewel Tree we really wanted, and so we have it now!)

THe gorgeous Qu'an Yin that Peter gave me for Christmas years ago sits at the central base of the Jewel Tree, with a small live fir tree plant behind her draped in lights, and she sits serenely on a platform draped in purple and gold cloth.. She is also draped in shining colored lights, and garlands of paper prayer flags, and at her posed feet sit many candles we will light through out the Season, as we meditate in her presence. Her shawl of colored lights add a rich glow to her already serene presence.

On either side of her are lush deep red poinsettias, and at the base of her platform are bowls filled with sparkling white lights, giving an appearance of a lively fire at her feet...the glass bowls shine prettily as the lights flash within them.

Then, rising up into a cone shaped height from either side of the goddess, are strings of colored lights, shaping into a tree-like crown above her head all the way to the ceiling, and on these strands of lights we have begun to hang bejeweled photos of family members, friends, revered teachers, famous writers we admire, philosophers, masters of various fields we honor, and others we wish to honor as well. So far, on our Jewel Tree, with the BUddha sitting at the top, a Green Tara sitting below him and the Dalai Lama below her, are Peter and me, Paul and Stephen, Pat and Charles Yonka, my Momma and Daddy, Maria Montessori, Peter's grandmother and father, William Shakespeare, ANton Chekov, two of Peter's favorite teachers from high school and college, my dear Kathryn Connell from North Fulton High, and so far that is all we have hung there, but there will be more. We made those little icons when we last had a Jewel Tree back in NYC several years ago, and i worked with pleasure to decorate them with little glass and plastic jewels,etc. I want to do more as well, and will look for photos of other people we wish to honor, and I will bejewel them as well.

It's a cozy, very pretty and quite unique Holiday idea, and I am glad that Peter did not want to cut down alive tree this year, and instead asked that we do a Jewel Tree. We will also put out books from our Buddhist library about the Jewel Tree Meditation, and honor life and the world by studying that as well over this gracious time.

Rainy and cold day today, and we have this Sunday to stay indoors , honor our home, relax together with our dear dogs (they go on the tree too in the form of cunning little ornaments Peter bought for me) and i will make another pot of soup for later....i seem to be on a home-made soup kick.

But for now: I will sit and look and see and contemplate what the Jewel tree has to show me.

Happy day all.

Day after tomorrow, at about this time, I'll be taking off to return to Abingdon, to home and husband and job and pups....i miss Peter and the dogs, so it'll be nice to get home. BUT: i am definitely leaving a part of my freshly re-raised consciousness here, in this very beautiful CIty by the Bay....like Tony Bennett, I can sing, as my jet raises up over the Ocean, "I left my heart in San Francisco..."...or at least a small corner of it, which is now reserved for future things to come.

It has been a terrific series of days, culminating in my being able to spend time with my old mentor/director and friend Barbara Damashek out in Berkeley...the minute I saw her standing by the BART Station to pick me up, I started crying...i had no idea I would weep like that ...but something in me simply relaxed with a release of tension and fatigue that made me cry because why? Because I knew I would finally be back in the presence of someone who so "gets" me, and who has always so "gotten" me from the moment we met on a windy NYC street corner (42nd and 9th, it was)...that I knew I was back at a sort of "home" again, and that made me cry with happiness. I have always said I would run away with any circus Barbara Damashek ever asked me to join...

Since that afternoon on 9th Avenue when she looked up at me (she is tiny and short) and said "You're Evalyn Baron, aren't you? I want you to be in a show i wrote" -and took me from my bus stop over to the 42nd Street studio where she was holding auditions for QUILTERS, and from which studio I emerged 2 hours later dazzled by all the music she played for me - and I knew I'd be going to Pittsburgh! - Ever since that moment in time, I have loved and admired this remarkable theatre artist....i have known her heart and have always been challenged and intrigued by it...not to mention comforted by her pure dear soul....i didn't realize how much I've been missing her. She's been living out in Kensington, next to Berkeley for over 25 years now, and this is the first time i have seen her home out here.

She drove me around for a couple of hours, showing me all the "bones" of Berkeley, Oakland, and surroundings, from the top of the highest hill (what a view of the Bay: you can see the curvature of the Earth, it's so vast a view) all the way to the Bay shoreline where we sat and talked and talked and talked, until we met Paul and Stephen in Berkeley for dinner at what has fast become our favorite Mandarin Chinese restaurant there. Then, we all went to see Issa in concert at Freight and Storage there...(formerly Jane Siberry, Issa has enthralled Stephen and both he and Paul have become fans and supporters of her work)...a great day all the way around....I now have Barbara Damashek back in my life, and I will keep her in it ...i will keep her in it.

Time and space to rest, read and listen have done good things for me out here, and if i can take some of the Thich Nhat Hanh training I have become interested in back with me, the anticipation of viewing and experiencing my life back in VIrginia as a challenge and opportunity to grow in important spiritual ways may help me in ways I can't begin to calculate at this time. One thing I do know: there is much I am being called on to learn and grow from in this time of my life, and if there is one thing I am certain of it's that I do want to grow and change in ways that I know I need and that will enrich my life from now on.....

I've always believed that things in a life are not accidental...that things happen for our enrichment's sake,even if we think they happen for quite opposite reasons....so these particular years of change - this entire time of transition - is to be viewed, and will be viewed by me as yet another form of Graduate School: for yet another terminal degree in living Life.

THis trip has been like a Preparatory School session for the next "semester"....and the bell will ring any minute now for the start of class.

But first, more Pacific Ocean, more beach, more beauty....and to you guys? More soon.